Hi. I’m a domme and I need help. Please. I’m desperate.
I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months now. We have a FLR. Sort of.
And he’s nice and all most of the time. But its like he expects me to fit this porno femdom fantasy. Anything I do that doesn’t fit that makes him shut down. If I have a bad day I can’t talk to him about it at all. I lost my dog two months ago and when I told him I was upset and needed comfort he just said he couldn’t do that and I’m a domme so I should be able to handle it myself.
Its just not working. So a few weeks ago I told him I’m done. But he flipped out. He threatened to kill himself. And now he’s so clingy and dependent. If I go a few hours without calling or texting him he starts blowing up my phone. He’s so nosy when I have plans with other people. And he doesn’t like not knowing where I am or who I’m with. He always has to check in with me and make sure everything is still good. He even showed up unannounced to my friend’s bachelorette party. Said he got scared because my phone was off.
When I tried to tell him that he’s crossing boundaries and that’s not acceptable he flipped out. He said that I always ignore his needs and never give him the support a domme is supposed to give her sub. Which is kind of right and I feel bad about that. But I just want out.
I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know how to get him away from me. Honestly I feel like its emotional abuse but is that even possible in a FLR? And I’m so scared of what might happen if I just cut him off. What if he actually kills himself? He’s threatened to do it so many times now. I can’t have that on my conscience. What do I do?
Okay, whoa.
That… That is just… Whoa.
First, I really need to point out that I’m not a doctor, I have no formal training for these kinds of situations, and holy fucking shit, you need to talk to a professional. Like, now.
And you definitely need to get away from this guy. That’s a textbook toxic relationship there. And fuck yes, it’s abusive as hell.
Subs can absolutely be abusive. Being submissive does not disqualify someone from being abusive, and being a Domme doesn’t protect you from being abused. It doesn’t get talked about much, because a lot of the abuse in D/s relationships tend to focus on the Dom/me abusing their sub, but the opposite exists, too.
And I really need to point out that Dommes are not two-dimensional caricatures. You’re a human being. You have human emotions and human problems. And you’re in a relationship. In a relationship, it’s completely reasonable to expect your partner to put in emotional labor for you. If he expects you to put in that emotional labor, but isn’t willing to do it for you, then what’s the point of even having a relationship?
If he’s unwilling to comfort you when you’ve had a bad day, he’s just a shitty partner. Whether or not it’s an FLR.
He said that I always ignore his needs and never give him the support a domme is supposed to give her sub. Which is kind of right and I feel bad about that.
This is gaslighting. It’s worst kind of emotional abuse because it makes you doubt your own thoughts and feelings. It’s really, really hard to defend against, even when you know it’s happening, because the compassionate, reasonable part of you wants to stop and question if your perception is really accurate.
Could you be ignoring his needs? Are you falling short of the expectations of Dommes? You start asking yourself those questions and start doubting yourself.
Just being a reasonable, supportive, and kind human being leaves you vulnerable to that. So first thing, you need to do a lot of research and reading on emotional abuse, and gaslighting specifically, to learn how to recognize it and defend against it.
And you need to get the hell away from him.
As far as his threats to kill himself, you need to figure out how to emotionally wash your hands of that. He’s a grown ass man. You’re not responsible for the stupid shit he does. If he decides to do something stupid, that’s not on you. It’s not on your conscience because you didn’t force him into that. You didn’t make that decision for him.
And that’s easier said than done. I know. I’ve had two men I love kill themselves in the last 2 years. One of them was kind enough to leave a note telling me that he killed himself specifically because he’d let me walk away, and I kept refusing to take him back.
Losing me was “a price he wasn’t able to pay.”
It sucked, holy shit, it sucked. For like three days, I just told everyone to leave me alone. I didn’t want to talk to a single human being. I just wanted to lock myself away and ignore the world. It’s a fucking shitty feeling. There’s not a lot out there worse than that feeling.
But at the end of the day, he was a grown human man. He made a series of very bad decisions, that no one forced him in to, that ended with him taking his own life. I didn’t push him to that, and it wasn’t my responsibility to babysit him for the rest of his life.
And that’s what you need to remember with this guy. You can’t take responsibility for him. He’s just going to keep taking advantage of it.
The fact of the matter is that he’s not mentally healthy.
He needs a lot of help. Way more than you’re capable of providing. The best thing you can do for him is to alert the authorities, and the people who can help him.
Next time he threatens to kill himself, immediately call 911 (or, if you’re not in the US, whatever the emergency number is). Tell them you’re afraid for your own life and for his. Let them take him to the hospital and put him on suicide watch. Let people know that he’s talking about this, and make sure that it’s taken seriously.
Because it needs to be taken seriously. Never argue about whether you think he’d actually go through with it. And never assume it’s just an act. Always assume he’s serious about it, because if he’s unhealthy enough, and upset enough, he just might go through with it.
Right now, he’s using it specifically to manipulate you into staying with him. He’s hoping that your guilt and sense of responsibility toward him will keep you in the relationship. So turn it around on him. Don’t let him put that responsibility on you. Tell him that you may care for him, but you can’t stop him from making that choice. Remind him that he’s an adult, and you can’t make his choices for him.
He needs to understand that using this kind of manipulation isn’t going to work, and it’s not going to give him what he wants. It’s not going to keep you with him.
Because if he’s unhealthy enough to go through with it, you wouldn’t be able to stop him, anyway. The average person doesn’t have the training or education required for that.
Staying with him in an attempt to keep him from attempting suicide isn’t helping him.
So if he’s threatening it, alert the people who can help, and then get far away from him. File a restraining order, if that’s what it takes. Get him out of your life immediately.
Actually, a restraining order isn’t a bad idea. I know that’s the first thing I’d do.
If he’s unstable enough to threaten his own life, there’s nothing saying he’ll stop with just his. You need to recognize the danger he could pose, not just to himself, but to you, too. Change your phone number, if you have to. Tell all your friends and family that he’s abusive and you need to get away from him.
The single greatest weapon in an abuser’s arsenal is isolation.
If he can keep the abuse a secret, then he’s free to keep doing it.
Don’t let him keep it a secret. Tell everyone. Tell everyone you know and everyone he knows why you’re ending the relationship.
He needs a massive support system, but you cannot be a part of it. The best thing you can do to help him is to let the people around him know that he needs help, then get the fuck away.
Nothing good will come out of your presence in his life, or his presence in yours.
But seriously, I really need to emphasize that I’m not a professional, and you really, really should talk to a professional about this.
The post Subs can be abusive too appeared first on Domina Jen.