There’s a pattern I’ve seen over the years, that recent events have finally motivated me to speak out about it.

So in a nutshell, here’s what happens.

A young submissive has his first real BDSM relationship. He’s young, and impressionable, and the relationship is either borderline abusive or straight-up, recklessly abusive.

But he doesn’t know better. And he’s young enough that he allows it to happen. What’s more, he learns to embrace it. He enjoys it.

For one reason or another, the relationship ends. But those triggers and permanent effects on his mind are still there. Human psychology is a funny thing, and abuse parading as BDSM has huge, far-reaching effects on a sub’s mind. He learns to like it, to embrace it, to find ways to take pride in being able to withstand abuse.

Often, he’s even surprised when I point out that what he endured was abuse. I’ve had guys completely taken aback by it.

Because they were conditioned to want it, things like consent became nonexistent, and their entire purpose, the biggest thing that drove them, was being able to endure whatever their abuser wanted.

They took pride in being able to endure it, and the whole measure of them as submissives (and as men) was based on how much abuse they could endure.

They fetishize that, and it becomes not only their focus, but their only method of measuring themselves, as well as any relationship they’re in.

When it’s over, he wants that feeling again. He wants that relationship again.

So for years afterward, that becomes his sole focus. With every potential Domme he meets, all he can talk about is his past, and how that’s affected him. He tries to pigeonhole the potential Domme into the role his first Domme took. Usually unintentionally, but even when he’s specifically and clearly told to drop it, he just keeps fixating on it, hoping that the Domme will warm up to it.

Everything he does, everything he says, becomes an effort to get back to that relationship.

Not surprisingly, he doesn’t have success in this. And he can’t understand why he hasn’t had a successful longterm relationship in the 10, 15, or 20 years since that first one.

So you know what? Here’s a clue.

I am not that woman. I will never be that woman. And my relationships will never be just a reflection of someone else. If you want something that specific, then you need to pay a sex worker to give it to you.

Because I’m a full, whole, complete person. I have my own wants and desires. My own kinks, fetishes, and fantasies. My own goals for where I want a relationship to go.

And when a guy is obviously fixated on his past in an unhealthy way, that’s a huge red flag. Because it brings up the question of, “Can he serve me, and appreciate me, or will he constantly be comparing me to his ex, or trying to manipulate me into doing what she did?”

I’m not a reflection, people. And I don’t give a shit about your past. Stop obsessing over it.

With some situations, this even goes as far as totally stepping all over my hard limits.

For example, more than once, bestiality has been an aspect of that first, intense relationship.

Bestiality is a totally nonnegotiable hard limit for me. Which I am very clear about. From the beginning.

And yet, that doesn’t stop these men from fixating on it or trying to justify it, or talking about it all the time, or bringing it up in literally every conversation, even when they’ve been told to leave it alone.

And honestly, just knock it the fuck off.

I respect your hard limits. I expect you to respect mine.

It happened when you were young. Fine.

It’s a kink you still have. Cool.

I don’t care. Just stop trying to get me to consider it. It’s literally never going to happen.

Hard limits mean fucking no, m’kay? End of story.

If you can’t respect my hard limits, then you’re not good enough for me.

And every guy I’ve talked to with this past has also been used in a reckless way.

And what happens here is that he begins to fetishize that recklessness.

Gangbanged bareback by untested strangers? Check.

Permanent body modification without medical supervision? Check.

Engaging in situations that affect someone’s life and career? Double check.

Seriously, some of these guys have just fetishized and fixated on truly self-destructive, dangerous, disturbing behavior.

And I mean, guys.

I get that the fantasies of some of these extreme scenarios are hot. Sure, great. I’m right there with you on that.

Howmotherfuckingever…

I live in the real world, m’kay. This isn’t a fantasy for me. It’s real life.

And in real life, there are consequences.

You can’t ask me to put you in a situation where you could catch a life-altering STD, and then get all shocked when I tell you I won’t own you if you catch one.

Guys, I have a fucking kid. I have two men who depend on me to keep them safe.

And you need to understand that reckless risks have less-than-ideal consequences here in the real world, where I live. You think I’m going to be reckless when I have not just my health to think about, but the health of my family?

Fucking no, okay?

So if extreme recklessness is something you want, I’m not the Domme for you. Go ruin your life with someone else. I won’t be responsible for it.

But that fixation shows an intense amount of selfishness, too. Because they’re all so obsessed with it, but none of them stop to think about how that recklessness could affect me.

I mean, if I were to put a sub in a situation where he’s at risk for catching something, and he catches an incurable disease, how the fuck do you think that would make me feel?

How could I possibly look myself in the mirror, ever again, knowing that I was the one who allowed that to happen? How could I call myself ethical, and moral, and trustworthy enough to submit to?

But that doesn’t occur to these people. And even when I bring it up, they don’t care. The fixation is like an addiction. It overpowers everything else.

But just by the way, an inability to differentiate between fantasy and reality is a huge psychological red flag.

Also, a fixation on the past is seriously unhealthy, anyway.

I live in the present, guys. And I’m not interested in unhealthy D/s or BDSM relationships literally at all.

Let go of the past. You don’t live there anymore.

And if you’re still trying to live in the past, then you’re obviously not focusing on being the best submissive you can for me.

Which isn’t okay.

I have and will insist on you going to therapy or seeing a psychologist as a requirement of being mine. And fuck yes I will go with you, to make sure you talk about what needs to be talked about.

Because I don’t have the time, resources, or education to help you through that. And allowing you to maintain that unhealthy fixation is not an option.

Because I’m not abusive. I’m not reckless. I’m not going to put you in positions that have far-reaching consequences. That’s fantasy. It’s not reality. And it’s not okay.

I have literally zero interest in what happened a decade ago. Honestly, I just don’t give a fuck. And if you’re looking for nothing but a repeat of that, you need fucking therapy. You don’t need me.

Some of these men have been fixated on that first relationship for decades. And none of the ones I’ve spoken to have had a single serious, longterm relationship since then. Specifically because they’re so focused and fixated on their past.

I mean, how long does it take before you realize that what you’re doing isn’t working? How long before it occurs to you that you have a problem and need help?
You can either let go of your past, or you can die alone. But I won’t be a part of that kind of recklessness. I have my own life, my family, and my reputation to consider.

It’s not about you.

And that’s where these men struggle. It’s like they’re literally incapable of seeing me as a full, complete, separate, individual human. All they see is a reflection of their abuser.

And anything I say that doesn’t fit with that reflection, it’s like they’re just incapable of truly registering.

Most recently, I’ve been talking to a sub with this past, and just like all the others before him, he follows those same patterns. He fetishizes self-destructive and dangerous behavior. He fixates on it. And he tramples all over my hard limits.

When I remind him that I’m not that psycho cunt, and that I won’t actively try to kill him, he assures me he understands. But then, just hours later, it’s like he’s completely forgotten.

His brain is so massively fucked up, he can’t even register basic things like, “I will not put you in a position where you could catch something. So let it the fuck go.”

He can’t stop himself from trying to manipulate me into signing off on getting him sick.

But here’s the thing:

And contrary to popular belief, I do not exist to cater to your unhealthy, destructive, and dangerous fetishes. I don’t care about them. I have no interest in them. I’m never, ever, neverfuckingever, going to do that with you.

Never. Just…. Just literally never.

And I know it’s the product of abuse. I know it’s a legitimate addiction that overpowers his rational mind. I know, because I’ve seen this before.

But that’s just such a shitty feeling, you guys.

Seriously, it sucks. Being seen like that, being seen as less than a full, complete human, constantly having to reassert my boundaries after they’ve been crossed, and have my wishes and desires ignored…

It just… It just fucking sucks.

And no, I’m not willing to put myself through that. I’m not willing to risk my own already-strained mental health for someone who needs way more help than I can give.

Abuse is a shitty thing. It really is. And nothing I’m saying is meant to trivialize the abuse these men suffered.

But I have my own life. I have my own desires, my own interests, my own fetishes and goals. I’m not a reflection of someone else, and I’m not your personal kink dispenser.

And if you can’t give me what I want, if you can’t enrich my life, if I can’t benefit from owning you, what’s the fucking point?

So let it the fuck go. If you really want to be with me, if you really want to serve me, then make me your focus. Stop trying to turn me into someone else. Be what I want you to be, not what some abusive cunt from 10 years ago wanted you to be.

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