D/s isn’t all leather and floggers and control. It’s a relationship. And in that relationship, I guide my subs, but I also yield to their guidance when I need to. As their Domme, I need to know when to lead and when to follow.
So I’ve talked about subs with abusive pasts, and how that affects them and potential relationships.
I’d been talking to a guy for a couple of weeks. We met in person, at a bar, and he seemed sweet, and obedient, and fun to talk to.
But there were some concerns.
He’d been abused, and exhibited all the patterns and mindsets I’ve seen in other subs who had survived abusive relationships.
At first, it was easy enough. I just clearly stated my boundaries and limits, and what he could expect from me.
But that was laughably ineffective.
He’s one of the many who were forced to endure bestiality, and conditioned to want it.
Great. Fine. But as I said, it’s one of my hard limits. I told him that and figured that would be the end.
Until he sent me pictures of it, without asking me first.
And I promptly lost about 3 years off my life.
Because here’s the thing:
Let’s not even get into the moral and ethical stuff. We won’t talk about the fact that animals cannot consent, and all it does is confuse the fuck out of dogs, and honestly is animal abuse.
We won’t talk about that.
We’ll focus on the fact that, in the state of Nevada, it’s illegal.
And now, I had illegal shit on my phone.
Great. Just fucking great.
Naturally, I immediately scrubbed that shit from my phone, the Cloud, every device my phone is synced with, etc.
And I told him, in no uncertain terms, that I was done talking about it. I explained that now, I had a clear enough picture of how it affected him that I didn’t need to hear anything more about it. And I damn sure didn’t need to see it.
Which honestly, I hated doing.
Because it was obvious this still affects him deeply. It’s still a major part of his psyche. And in the past, I’ve been okay talking about things, even my hard limits, because I’ve wanted to help my subs work through it, and also show them that they can talk to me about anything.
To flat out tell someone he couldn’t talk to me about it hurt a little bit.
I’ve seen other Dominants do that. I’ve seen Dominants tell upset subs to “just get over it,” and “stop obsessing over it.”
And I’ve called them cowards to their faces.
But there I was, doing the same thing.
I did compromise a bit, though. Because I’d told him that seeing a therapist was a requirement of serving me. And that I’d go with him to make sure the issues I need addressed are addressed.
So I told him that, from that point on, anything he felt I needed to know about it, or anything he felt he needed to tell me, he would be allowed to tell me at the therapy appointment, with the therapist there. In that room, all bets would be off and he could have the freedom to say literally anything he wanted to say.
So I mean, I did try not to be an outright hypocrite.
Again, I thought I was done. I’d been clear, I’d been direct, I’d explained that it made me uncomfortable, I’d used small words. Great. End of story.
Until the next night. When he asked if he could send pictures of it again, this time showing his face.
Now, I was fucking pissed.
My hard limits are nonnegotiable. Completely and wholly. I’m not fucking interested. And I don’t take well to having my hard limits so blatantly trampled on.
I also told him that I worked hard, for years, to earn the following and reputation I have. And I don’t take well to someone blatantly risking my reputation.
I’m trying to get a book published. I sure as hell don’t need people to start thinking I encourage or condone that shit.
I told him if he brought it up again, then that’ll be the last time he hears from me. And it seemed like that worked.
But then, his fixation on reckless behavior took over.
He fetishizes being put in dangerous and risky situations. And that seems to have manifested mostly in regards to being barebacked by strangers, and being exposed to STDs.
I have repeatedly told him that’s not an option. I have repeatedly explained that I have a child and two men depending on me, and if he catches something, it puts not just me, but my entire family at risk.
Repeatedly. As in more than once.
As in more than twice.
Two days before I was supposed to go to his house, he brought it up again, and again, I told him it’s not going to happen. I also finally directly asked him why he’s fixating on this, why he wants to get sick, why he’s trying so desperately to manipulate me into signing off on him getting sick.
He didn’t answer.
But I shared some of our conversations and some of my concerns with Kazander and Sounder.
And their reactions surprised me.
Both expressed concern for my safety in regards to going to his place alone, and we agreed that they’d both have the guy’s address and phone number, I’d have the SOS feature active on my phone, and I’d text every hour to check in while I was there.
But then, after seeing some of the texts, Kazander exercised his veto ability.
For certain things, in certain situations, he has the ability to veto a decision I make. He very, very rarely uses it, but he immediately used it for this.
He said the only way he’d be even remotely okay with it is if I met the guy at Sounder’s house, while Sounder was there. That way, he could step in if something went wrong. And even then, he’d want both Sounder and me to check in every half hour.
But me going over to the guy’s house, being alone with him, on his turf, was completely and nonnegotiably out of the question.
And for a second, I considered that option.
I’ve literally never met anyone tougher than Sounder, and he could easily handle this guy. There’s not a single person on the planet I’d be safer with. Not a single person Kazander trusts more with the safety of his Domme, his wife, and the mother of his child.
That could work.
But then, almost as soon as my mind formulated the thought, I rejected it.
Both Kazander and Sounder see something that legitimately worries them. I don’t see it, I’m confident in my ability to handle this guy, but I also recognize I’m not perfect. I can misjudge a situation, misjudge a person.
They see something I don’t, and what they see scares them.
It scares Kazander to the point that he won’t even entertain the idea of me playing with the guy unless Sounder is there to protect me.
And he wouldn’t even want Sounder to just come with me to the guy’s house.
No, it had to be at Sounder’s house, on his turf, in his environment. Where he would be in control, instead of the guy. And I would’ve had to agree, to promise, that I would follow Sounder’s advice, trust him if he said something felt off, and put away my ego and my “I’m not scared of anything” mentality and follow Sounder’s lead.
Kazander sees something that scares him. Sounder sees something that scares him.
And having them both there, telling me something is wrong, pulled me up short.
I’m no delicate flower, but I don’t have the past and experience they do.
I look at this guy and see an extreme, but ultimately harmless, fixation on his past.
They look at him and see something dangerous.
And I had to recognize that they might know something I don’t. That part of their submission to me is guiding me if they see me going the wrong way.
Both of them spoke up, first by telling me I needed to be careful, and not take my safety for granted, and then by standing up to keep me out of that situation completely.
And the more I thought about it, the more their concerns made sense.
Because this guy repeatedly:
- Trampled on my hard limits.
- Crossed my boundaries.
- Refused to respect when I specifically told him he was making me uncomfortable.
- Showed an inability to differentiate between fantasy and reality.
- Showed an inability to register consequences that affect more than just him.
- Was either incapable of or unwilling to see me as a separate being from his first Domme. And anything I said or did that didn’t fit that picture, he ignored.
This isn’t someone who is mentally sound. I knew that from the start.
Because I’d seen it before. And in milder cases, I’ve been able to fix it (with the help of a therapist). I’ve been able to use D/s to help them work through that.
That’s something I’m good at. Something I pride myself in my ability to do.
But I also saw Kazander’s and Sounder’s side.
This was a guy who had repeatedly shown a pattern of not respecting my limits and boundaries, not stopping when I said no. Of ignoring when I told him I was uncomfortable. Of not yielding and adjusting when I said I wouldn’t do something.
And he showed me a habit of trying to manipulate me into giving him what he wants, even after I told him to stop.
I couldn’t trust him. I knew that. And I knew that there was a risk in seeing him.
His fixation, his addiction, is more extreme than anything I’ve seen before.
And that’s what Kazander said:
He’s an addict. He’ll do anything to get his fix. It’s all he cares about. Not you, not us, not your safety.
Kazander has more experience with addicts than I do. He’s seen the lengths an addict will go to get his fix. He’s seen their willingness (and eagerness) to destroy themselves and everyone around them to satisfy their addiction.
And both he and Sounder have more experience with violent and dangerous people than I do. They may be able to see red flags that I can’t, that tell them this guy could become violent if I’m alone in his house and refuse to give him what he wants.
Honestly, was it likely the guy would’ve hurt me? No.
But was it a legitimate possibility? Damn right it was.
Was it a higher than acceptable risk? Both Kazander and Sounder thought so.
So I yielded to them, and decided to follow them.
I decided not to play with the guy at Sounder’s house.
I just decided not to play with him at all.
My current boys are more important than any potential ones, and my current boys were scared for my safety.
So I trusted them, trusted their guidance, and followed their advice.
Trusting them, believing in them, and relying on them means nothing if I don’t do it when it counts. I realized that they were guiding me, leading me, and hoping I’d understand and follow.
So I did. I trusted their judgement and followed their lead.
Because being their Domme means knowing when to follow.
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